Sunday, November 29, 2015

My Absence

This post has been thought about over and over in my head a ridiculous amount of times. The internal debate of wanting to write, then not wanting to and feeling I couldn't was an ongoing cycle. However, here we are. I think the reason as to why I haven't written about this on here until now is because it feels like once it's on this space, then it's real and it's happened. 

Rupert and I are no longer together. 

It hasn't been easy, mainly because it wasn't a mutual thing (on my part) and the idea of having to make videos and write posts about it just seemed horrifying at the time. Rupert was a big supporter of my YouTube channel and was very much connected to it, so I suppose I felt like I had failed and let you all down. I suppose, and I'm trying to convince myself here, that everything happens for a reason. It's sad, so sad, and when you're in my position (the party who got broken up with) it's difficult to remember all the bad times within our (almost..) four year relationship that we spent together. All I can think about are the fantastic memories of experiences we had, the times that we shared and things we taught each other that have made us become who we are today. I have to remind myself that not everything was rosy. 

I don't want to go in to too much detail as to why Rupert decided to terminate our relationship because it hurts too much knowing that I wasn't enough and also, I don't feel comfortable sharing that piece of intimate information with you just yet. All I know is that neither of us are bad people in this situation and although we aren't on an equal level, I have to respect his decision and know that this chapter has closed. 

Moving out of his home was not easy for me as I had become so close to his family and felt like they were my own. They really welcomed me and looked after me, so I will forever be grateful to them. I cried as I packed my things and hugged his siblings goodbye, driving away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I also felt extremely scared, because for the first time in four years, I felt like I was alone. I know that I have my family and friends, but the relationship you have with them is so different, at least mine was, to what I had with Rupert. He knew me inside and out, knew how I thought and would know how to help me make my own decisions. But, I also knew that my life had halted and I wasn't living it. 

This has also been an eye-opener on friends who really cared about me and it revealed the ones who didn't, which left me surprised. My family and friends have been so supportive and I definitely wouldn't have been able to get where I am now without them. I had friends who would let me text or call at ridiculous times in the morning/evening when I felt alone or if I just wanted to cry. My friends would let me come over at ridiculous times in the morning and stay, yet I also had friends who felt as if my hurting was insignificant to what was happening in their lives. Which is ok, but it won't be something I'll forget. 

With the combination of constantly working, staying away from social media, figuring out what to do with my life and being obsessed with the gym - it got me through-ish. Now, being in London with a secure job and having hardly any time to do anything, I still don't feel happy and at times feel so alone. 

I am constantly told that time is a healer and that in a few months it will seem so distant, but it's been heartbreaking to think about. It's so odd to think that you were with someone for such a long time and now your paths are going in completely different directions when you thought they would be alongside each other. I try not to think too much about everything because, really, I don't have time to sit and cry. But when I do, I know that's ok, plus crying and chocolate come hand in hand.. don't they.

So, here goes giving the blog another go and videos too. 


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